It was around two in the
afternoon. She interrupted the ongoing class like she always did. Walking in with
a pile of report cards stacked tightly against her chest, she held them as one
would hold onto a rebellious child.
Her face was the usual
color of red and tan, her spectacles thick and squared sat precariously on her
sweaty face. Her head was covered with a scarf except for a few strands of
coarse, black, unruly curls that peeked out; perhaps she enjoyed not being
perceived as a bald nun! Her skirt did not go all the way down, its white
layers seemed to stop short right between her knee and ankle. She wore those
skin colored pantyhose and her black sandals carried her tiny, fast feet.
I cannot recall her
smiling! Her face was always pinched and angry. And needless to say I was
terrified of her!
Well this particular
afternoon I was in deep despair, so desperate that I was willing to pray to any
God for help, hers, mine, theirs, I really didn't care! Like a prisoner ready to
be executed, my heart hoped for reprieve! I hoped she would be kind, I hoped
she would notice that this was my very first time, I hoped she would not be
loud in her callous announcements, I hoped the other girls would not smirk, I
hoped my parents would not mind. After all it was a 'moral science' test
and I never really studied for it!!!
As was the ritual, we
all stood as she walked in and wished her a very good afternoon! If the day was
ridiculously hot and the stench of the girls toilet situated right next to our
fifth grade classroom bothered us, we pretended it was okay. There had been
no running water in there and who could be blamed. Due to my medium height I
sat in the third or fourth row on the far right, away from the classroom door
and close to the windows. I used to sit there a lot!! I recall letting my mind
wander amongst the trees, the thick foliage, the moss, the mushrooms and the
occasional rabbit right outside the window! My mind wandered a whole lot and
quiet often!
She stood right in the
center of the classroom to announce each of our ranking. She waited for
absolute silence, which was handed to her without any resistance. We were all
ranked, all forty-five of us, each according to our academic performance.
Everyone who had passed in all the subjects tested was given a ranking. At
times I procured a ranking as far down as thirty-fifth or forty-first! But my
real life was the life outside of school and there I was content!!
We clapped our hands
for the first three rank holders, as she curled her lips slightly letting out
that rare smile in appreciation of their hard work. After which, there was no
clapping, she called out our names and our ranking for all of the class to
know. Those who had failed 'a' subject came under the category of ‘failed’,
these kids would not get a ranking, they were special. They were to be pushed
down deep into the underworld of hellish humiliation on account of their
laziness and stupidity there they would have no friends and no consolation.
After all punishment was atonement for your sins!! And I had sinned!!! I had
managed to fail in 'moral science'!!!
I wish I could tell
you that this failure made me contemplate the nature of my morals and my
unwillingness to abide by some unseen yet fully recommended code for all of
mankind! But I was most interested in just lasting my ordeal with as much grace
as possible and to hold back those tears if they should push though the firm
barriers of my strong mind. I had learnt at that young age that I had to remain
strong and not to look anyone in the eye when I was in pain. I preferred to
nurse my wounds in private and then again there was this other and significant
challenge of having to have this report card signed by a parent. So like a
starving man rationing his supplies, I too had decided to ration my suffering
cause I was to suffer in two separate places for the very same crime.
She paused after all
the ranks were announced, as if she wanted to gather everyone's attention once
again for the grand finale – the essential slaughter! Her favorite part!! Where
she would decide which hell and what punishment would purify the young and
deviant souls of those of us who had failed. 'Vandana', she called, I stood and
walked quickly towards her, I wanted this to be over with. Her face twisted in
fury and I forgot the tears and focused on the bladder that was ready to come
loose!!! ' What a pity?? Failing in moral science!!!’ she announced before the
entire class. 'I am sorry! I managed to whisper and rushed back to my seat. My
body felt hot, and sweat trickled down my back, I had to sit down and wait for
the blood to flow out from my face and for my heart to stop pounding!! I just
stared at my desk for as long as I needed to gain composure. I had survived!
That year was rough! I
had no friends and my sisters were not in the same school anymore! I walked
back home like I usually did, rehearsing what I would tell my mother all along
the way. Catching her in a good mood was important, how I worded my plea was
important, the promises I would make for future betterment of my sinned soul
was important. All of this would determine her management of the expectations
of my father who would in turn sign the report card.
My mother was burdened
as usual with too much care! She was irritated and bothered when I approached
her with my confession. She was a good mother, who had protected us often from
the many disgraceful things that we were tempted to participate in. Due to her
inability to speak the English language, I considered her vulnerable and was
terribly protective of her as well. Beyond doubt I knew she loved me but this
particular incident involved the extension of her power in the household, as my
father was the one who would place his signature upon this shameful card and I
could not imagine him wanting to partake in my shame. Anyway it had to be done
and so I told her with my eyes as wide as saucers, that I had failed and that I
had failed in 'moral science'. I expected the worst!! It was an abnormal
situation and in hindsight her abnormal reaction was natural!!! 'What about
math and science?” she asked. I had done well in those so I replied
confidently. 'Alright, she said, never mind moral science!’ With this casual
remark she went on with whatever it was that she was busy doing. It had ended even before it started and my
heart filled up with love for this easy going and understanding soul whom I
called mother. She must have spun a good tale as my report card was signed and
I took it back to school the next day.
But sister Geraldine
was right!! Even today my morals are murky and subject to constant change. I
have lied to keep my children from school, I stole a magazine from the
dentist's office, I take great risks to appease my own heart, I love wine and
several R-rated movies and I tend to indulge in life and enjoy it to the
fullest!
So this is what I have
to say to her!
"Dear Sister
Geraldine, never mind those morals, please learn to love, love at any cost and
fully at least once in your life, please do not forgo the joys of this life in
exchange for rewards in the other and find that heaven right within you. I have
survived despite failing! In fact I am thriving, have ample love in my life and
smile often. You see, you knew the rules, the codes and the right morals but I
have God' s hand upon me!”
"What
a pity?? Wasting your life!!!"
Vandana can pen down her emotions very clearly and it seems to come with ease.
ReplyDeleteShe changes the topic in a very fluid manner, yet keeping the reader's chain of thought intact.
This post is vivid and full of life. Some interactions reminded me of my own school days.