How Little We Know!

Sitting upon a park bench in the hot, hot summer, waiting for my children to be done with art class, I grew exhausted! This was routine and routine was getting tiresome! 

When I stepped inside the building to gather my two tiny parcels and whisk them off to an ice-cream lunch, I asked the girl at the reception, "Are there any classes for parents to take during the time the kids are in their sessions?” "Sure", she replied and handed me a brochure! 

I picked oil painting, as casually as that! Over the next few months I would build a portfolio and attend art school! Who could have known?

I was shy and quiet! All my teachers branded me as shy and quiet! I assumed I was an introvert! I still think I am! I hid behind the fireplace when I attended a writers workshop, I did not wish to be seen and feared being heard! Or that was what I assumed! When participants were called upon to read their writing - the class went quiet. I found the silence unbearable! Soon I raised my hand and I was reading before an audience I barely knew! I'm not fully sure how that happened!

At a meeting of volunteers invited to discuss the prospects of an old chapel, in the city that I adore. I led my group in the discussion and was vociferous about retaining the original structure just cause I believe in preserving what is historical! Again I was surprised!

Not everything has been perfect and rewarding!

When my little one threw up on the floor as we stood in line to pay for books that we had picked up at a busy store! I was NOT flabbergasted! I knew what to do! I apologized to those around me, rushed her to the restroom, rushed back with paper napkins and started cleaning the mess. Thanks to my loud and felt apology most around me understood! When I skidded and fell into her pool of vomit, I cursed aloud and apologized again! This time an old man extended his hand offering to pull me up! I thanked him and continued cleaning! 

My little one cleaned herself up and came out to help me. She did not hesitate, she went up to the store clerk and apologized and offered to help the clerk in anyway possible! I was proud of her! Real proud! 

"Well, that's what you do mommy!” she replied and we smiled even as we smelled of puke!

Ten years back, I could have sworn that none of these above incidents would be handled the way in which I have handled them. In fact right now, I have no idea how the next minute or even tomorrow will be and that makes me anxious. 

But its more likely than not that I will be all right no matter what! I wonder why I struggle with my anxieties and my sometimes-mismanaged episodes of depression? Why do I forget on regular, uneventful days when I fret the most - that God resides in my destiny as well!

Vulnerability

I started today without presence, perhaps I was still tired even after waking up after a good nights sleep! I don’t usually consult with my body, I watch the clock and after a few definitive hours of sleeping I assume my body must be fit for the day ahead! Mind you, the expectation has not changed for decades now!

Anyway, somehow I managed to make one of the most important decisions of my life on the spur of the moment! It was long pending and I assumed I would have to put unlimited thought into it, but I just went ahead and decided this morning!

Needless to say I’m back peddling!

I just completed a course on mindful meditation. At the end of the class there were suggestions offered for group meditation, which I find effective! I found that even before I listened to the suggestions, I reminded myself that I will always be alone and it was okay! A recurrent theme in my life!

I’ve felt different all my life! Different from those around me! A few years back after being rejected by close family, I hung up hope and told myself that some humans are designated to go through life alone! It certainly made me compassionate! My homeless friend is living testimony! Somehow his destitution and my aloneness synchronized as I watched him living without remorse of any kind. 

Anyway, I’m human and no human is an island! Yet I fear community! My initial experiences have been less than satisfactory! Growing up in a closed society, community meant being under the microscope and I was a bad subject for such scrutiny!

Today I ask myself why? Why do I run and what it is that I need?

The answer is quiet simple! The phenomenon pretty universal! As children we learnt that having our vulnerabilities exposed meant humiliation and endless ridicule! In some societies being vulnerable is translated as being weak, mental and emotional weakness is far less tolerated than physical weakness at times.

Yet, we are all human and we all have gaping vulnerabilities that at times govern our life. It  sometimes defines who we are and what is to become of us!

I’ve suffered without being aware from anxiety and depression for the most of my life! I had to wait for a major breakdown before I sought help! Today I feel like a sunken ship that has come back to the surface, all ready to sail. Today I’m no longer afraid as my vulnerabilities while still existing and thriving do not define me.

Now I feel ready to admit that I need a community that I am yet to find!  I seek out for a place where my vulnerabilities will be accepted along with me!  I long for a place where deeper connections with other humans is made possible not as a result of our collective strengths and accomplishments but due to the holes in our existence! Our inevitable suffering that binds us together as humans!

Kindred spirits are hard to find in a pretentious world! And the choice of letting a kindred spirit go is infinitely abusive of the self!  I hope to avert my shortsightedness!

I guessed that the best way of helping create such safety is by opening up and revealing my own vulnerability, so here I am! Let the dialogue begin!

The Red Leather Book

A desire to write with an ink pen upon hand made paper has come upon me! Reluctantly I pull out the red leather book, with an imprint of an elephant, filled with hand made course paper. As I feel its texture I feel nostalgic! The black pen filled with India ink is ready; I test it by scribbling along the edge of the newspaper. And then I stop!

This book was saved for a different occasion, I had dreamed of writing upon it only when I had a story worthwhile of telling. It was to be imprinted with words that I hoped I would grow into at sometime in my future.  I therefore stop to wonder!

The day is just perfect, the sunlight is just right, the birdsong is simply pleasant, Popeye, my puppy, is sleeping upon my lap and snoring softly, the children have grown up beautifully, my dear husband made just the right cup of coffee for me this morning, I have friends who call upon me and answer me when I need them, I am blessed with siblings that I can laugh with and I have in my possession a red leather book with an imprint of an elephant to write upon!

There is no moment like the present and any life that had lived has a story of its own to tell!

So I write upon the very first page, upon the red leather book with the imprint of an elephant, filled with course hand made paper, with my black pen filled with India ink, the numerous things that have graced upon my life, filling me with gratitude! My words are still small, I haven’t grown into those large words that I had hoped I would. My cursive writing is still imperfect!

The story of my life much smaller than I dreamed it would be and yet immensely valuable!

This book with my simple words etched upon its course papers, this too will remain right here, it will not travel with me! But this process of felt words, written deliberately with flowing black ink, while sitting by the desk on the day with the right bit of sunlight and birdsong, with the snoring puppy as my companion! This experience! The texture of these lovely thoughts and heartfelt emotions! This will forever remain with me!