Vulnerability

I started today without presence, perhaps I was still tired even after waking up after a good nights sleep! I don’t usually consult with my body, I watch the clock and after a few definitive hours of sleeping I assume my body must be fit for the day ahead! Mind you, the expectation has not changed for decades now!

Anyway, somehow I managed to make one of the most important decisions of my life on the spur of the moment! It was long pending and I assumed I would have to put unlimited thought into it, but I just went ahead and decided this morning!

Needless to say I’m back peddling!

I just completed a course on mindful meditation. At the end of the class there were suggestions offered for group meditation, which I find effective! I found that even before I listened to the suggestions, I reminded myself that I will always be alone and it was okay! A recurrent theme in my life!

I’ve felt different all my life! Different from those around me! A few years back after being rejected by close family, I hung up hope and told myself that some humans are designated to go through life alone! It certainly made me compassionate! My homeless friend is living testimony! Somehow his destitution and my aloneness synchronized as I watched him living without remorse of any kind. 

Anyway, I’m human and no human is an island! Yet I fear community! My initial experiences have been less than satisfactory! Growing up in a closed society, community meant being under the microscope and I was a bad subject for such scrutiny!

Today I ask myself why? Why do I run and what it is that I need?

The answer is quiet simple! The phenomenon pretty universal! As children we learnt that having our vulnerabilities exposed meant humiliation and endless ridicule! In some societies being vulnerable is translated as being weak, mental and emotional weakness is far less tolerated than physical weakness at times.

Yet, we are all human and we all have gaping vulnerabilities that at times govern our life. It  sometimes defines who we are and what is to become of us!

I’ve suffered without being aware from anxiety and depression for the most of my life! I had to wait for a major breakdown before I sought help! Today I feel like a sunken ship that has come back to the surface, all ready to sail. Today I’m no longer afraid as my vulnerabilities while still existing and thriving do not define me.

Now I feel ready to admit that I need a community that I am yet to find!  I seek out for a place where my vulnerabilities will be accepted along with me!  I long for a place where deeper connections with other humans is made possible not as a result of our collective strengths and accomplishments but due to the holes in our existence! Our inevitable suffering that binds us together as humans!

Kindred spirits are hard to find in a pretentious world! And the choice of letting a kindred spirit go is infinitely abusive of the self!  I hope to avert my shortsightedness!

I guessed that the best way of helping create such safety is by opening up and revealing my own vulnerability, so here I am! Let the dialogue begin!