The critic inside!

Change is always disconcerting! It challenges status quo and even when it promises to simply better our lives, we find ourselves fearful.

Over the years my resistance to change has gotten progressively worse. These days I find myself avoiding an unfamiliar grocery store - something about having to find my way around a different store unnerves me! I feel like I’m in a foreign country with maps, travel guides and what have you! I find myself apologizing profusely if my cart were to get in the way of others, like I am occupying some territory that belongs to them and am unwelcome.  

As such, I choose to live carefully! I drive on the same scenic roads, go to the same movies, order the same dish in specific restaurants, feel comforted by familiar check-out clerks and generally establish a routine quickly!

When I signed up for a meditation class focusing on self-compassion, I didn’t imagine that it would alter my course significantly! Asked to speak of my intention in class, I mentioned truthfully that I have a well-established meditation practice and that I am open to see what else I could learn. In my mind, I was mostly reiterating known practices and I wasn’t in it for some deep down dirty work! After all how hard could self-compassion be?

Turns out that it is pretty challenging!

A fairly introverted human, I sat in class with a familiar voice inside of me goading me to open up and participate or risk being labeled dumb, this same voice is ever prevalent, she is unforgiving of my smallest and most unintended slights. I get easily rebuked, for not showing up to an appointment on time, for not planning out my day to get maximum work done, for not finding the time to exercise, for not eating right, for not taking the dog out for a walk, for not preparing a nutritious meal for the children, for not calling my parents, for not keeping the house clean and when the house is clean she moves her intimidating gaze to the unclean floor of the garage or to the weeds in the yard and then onto the empty bird feeder that she disapproves. So as it is clear that she is dissatisfied, unrelenting and persistent!

I am intrigued that this class provides me with an alternative! The alternative of replacing this judgmental voice with a more compassionate and kind one!  A voice that will allow me to live as a human - with all my imperfections, failures and disappointments! For perfection is in my imagination and is not an achievable outcome!

Change is scary! My inner critic is scared!

I have been warned that with kindness I cannot accomplish half of the million things I set out to do each morning! I have been cautioned that compassion is not something that is to be exercised upon the self! I received notification that if I change anything at all then I would surely collapse and die! I have been advised that a known devil is better than an unknown angel!

But I desire to be enough! Enough in my own imperfect self!

It is my own voice, this voice of the inner critic and I have lived with her forever! I cannot label her as redundant or cruel. She has held my hand in times of despair, demanding that I put one foot before the other so that I walk out of the tunnel of darkness. She has urged me to stay put in my own path when I have been ridiculed. She has ensured that I stand up and face the challenges that have come my way. She has been a friend in unfriendly times and for that I am grateful!

Somewhere along the way, I forgot, I forgot that her words were only words of advice and that I could make a call for kindness towards myself several times. So I have decided to change! I have decided to hold myself with caring compassion as I trip and fall each and every day. Because even when I’ve not always succeeded I have always tried to do the right thing!