So much for non-attachment..

So much for non-attachment!

Maybe it is the tuft of grey that has snuck up around my temples, or the knee joints that start complaining after I climb the stairs for the fifth time, or more so it’s all about the annual check up and the doctor uttering the word ‘peri menopausal’.

Anyhow, the already inquisitive mind of mine has turned drastically towards Buddhist philosophy, in search of solace.

Be it the nuances of understanding the mind the way Kamalashila specifies, contemplating the middle-way masterminded by Nagarjuna or simply relinquishing conceptualization of any kind as suggested by Chandrakirti, these ancient Indian masters have me hooked to the profound wisdom of their words.

However, the skeptic in me sometimes makes me wonder. Is philosophizing the same as perhaps relaxing with a drink, smoking a bit of pot, watching late night comedies or cleaning compulsively – simply a way to relax the mind and keep it in the here and now than in the far and far away?

On Monday, as I absorbed a new text that I’ve started reading I felt my chest expand with such joy at the beauty of the explanations offered that my spirit was soaring all day. The casual e-mail, checking on the health of a dear friend who has been in and out of hospitals recently didn’t warrant much anxiety, as I was sure she’d respond that very day.

By Tuesday afternoon, when I still hadn’t heard a word from her, I’d become un-obviously anxious. I pretended to keep my calm, reassured myself that it was my monkey mind projecting the unlikely alternatives of death, unbearable grief and loss of unimaginable magnitude. I was even able to withdraw my mind from such nastiness and stay focused on what was planned for the day.

Finally when I did hear from her, late afternoon, I felt so relieved that I had to rest. It was the fatigue of unfelt anxiety that had sneaked into me to such an extent that though relieved that she was all right, I turned off my electronics, downed a glass of wine and took a short nap to celebrate or recoup, as you’d prefer to say.

So much for non-attachment!

I guess the question is not if its better to meditate, philosophize, down alcohol, walk in circles, clean, cook, talk, rake the yard, work out strenuously or simply quit the scene by getting high in order to relax the devil’s tool that is so hard to live with – the human mind.

But the real question is what is it that makes life worth the living that we put into it?

And the answer is always these handful of pain-in-the-ass relationships, that after an exhausting day make us turn on the kitchen lights once more to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich for the child who was too distracted to eat her dinner.

Every thing else is simply defense against our helplessness!

Who am I to judge? To each their own! Cheers!

Stop Mourning and Extend Your Hand

Stop Mourning and Extend your Hand

There was a period in my life when I felt invisible! In hindsight, my irrationality had its roots in my fear. I experienced such a great chasm between what I felt on the inside and how it was perceived on the outside that the only bridge that I could build was one of screaming rage.

At that point, all I needed was compassion.

I knew I had to dig my own self out of the hole that I had vanished into, I knew that my journey would be hard and I felt anxious, as I was incapable of controlling the outcome of such an experiment.

Luckily I had an understanding spouse and I had access to all the resources that I needed.  I no longer feel invisible, unheard or incapable!

Change is difficult! Especially the ones that come out of no-where and turn your life inside out.

Having said that, the means one employs to achieve an end is important for me. It will always remain so and I can never agree with the means employed by our president elect.

But this morning I woke up thinking about all the people in the rural small towns who came out in large numbers so that the rest of us could hear their screaming rage. These are people who have lost their livelihood, their communities, their families and their way of life as a result of globalization.

Added to the sudden disappearance of their way of life, as they have known for generations they have been branded as uneducated, deplorable and insensitive to upsetting comments. 

Its time to take a pause and put yourself in the shoes of these men and women!

We are all living in interesting times. Globalization is irreversible, perhaps the lives that have been changed can never be restored, the desired solutions may not exist and the promises made cannot be kept.

But we can all choose to be compassionate to all those who are suffering in our midst. We can remain patient and extend a helping hand while they figure their way out of the maze.

Perhaps this is a reality check for all of us on both sides of the aisle.

People who are in pain will scream out vulgarities. It is up to the rest of us to set down our privileged moral thinking and extend our ears and hands.

Grace is not the prerogative of the rich, ambitious or the greedy. Grace belongs to the ordinary man. Thank God most of us humans are ordinary!

In between...

The undercurrent of my being carries with forcefulness the story that you need to tell. The call of the many characters, the taste of sequences and events, the lighting within the scenes and sometimes even the scent of temple, sea, forest and dust filled rooms haunt me.

The cares of life are asking of me as well…. to bring the dish to perfection, to straighten the fabric of the couch, to wipe down that counter once more, to sit with the child until she’s done finishing what’s on her plate, to call a sibling, check upon a friend and on and on…..

All of this is wealth. All of which ask for attention.

Hold on and stay put for I fully intend to attend to you. Be patient so that when I am present I be worthy of the gifts you wish to bestow upon me. That I allow for you to flow through me without the interruption of my judgment or opinion is my heartfelt desire.

Time is ticking for me, you have made me with the need to measure and weigh. But you, timeless one, your instruments are infinite and your resolve far greater than the many cares that punctuate my life with meaning.

I can see you in the gentle breeze that brings the branches closer to my window and hear your whispers in the dancing leaves. This is that last load of laundry for the day; I promise I shall not take on one other task that shall keep me from you.

Then again why do I owe you any explanation?

The flute needs to be hollowed out to allow your music, the brushes cleaned before they play with your colors, the aching hand needs to forget its pain in writing your story and this life that you have granted needs to be lived so that it can express your intent and your desire.

Why then do I apologize? Why do you smile?

 In the middle of the day between meals, tasks, chores and countless errands I have dropped everything and have come to you – speak freely so that this day can be another one marked with the delight of your precious companionship…

Eastern versus Western/ Selflessness versus Self-Grasping

Eastern versus Western/ Selflessness versus Self-Grasping

Ignoring the cushions on the ground, I hurried to occupy a chair lined at the back of the auditorium. The urgency with which I darted across the hall to occupy one of the few seats was unnecessary, almost all of the people gathered in there seemed to prefer sitting cross-legged on the meditation cushions.

“Perhaps with more practice, I will be able to sit on those cushions some day”, commented a fellow seeker sitting beside me. “I’m determined to find my enlightenment on a chair”, I responded and we both laughed as we introduced ourselves to the other.

Needless to say, it was one of the most interesting lectures that I had ever attended. Listening to this highly revered western Buddhist monk about the practice of meditation was definitely a treat. 

Just as I was beginning to feel more and more settled and completely engrossed in his words, he said, “We westerners may sometimes find the concepts of selflessness difficult.” It was only then that I realized that I was the only Indian woman in that gathering.

The observation did not bother me. I found the text hard to comprehend in places as well and my objective was similar to that of the others – we all simply wished to obtain a refined perspective from a seasoned practitioner.

Later on when a friend probed me on the emphasis on selflessness and compassion in eastern cultures, I began to wonder.  Is selflessness truly a virtue?

Growing up in India, I can recall countless instances when conformity was encouraged and sometimes even mandated. Leaving home has definitely loosened the grip of cultural pre-conceptions. It has enabled me to detach and become free of several habitual conditioning that I was used to.

In my mind, selflessness or a lack of ego is wrongly construed as something that is healthy.

Constellating a sense of self is a basic human trait that is innate and simply natural.  This self is what enables us to establish a responsible relationship with the outside world. Honoring that which is unique and identifiable within us is essential to construct a healthy ego.

Renunciation of unworthy notions and misconceptions necessitates that we are aware of our own internal workings. Only a person who is self-aware can transcend that self when essential.

Ironing out individual differences for cultural uniformity is, in my mind, as harmful for the individual and for the culture as over-identification with particular traits and rigidity is. 

Philosophy of any kind is simply a general doctrine. Its application to everyday life requires that individuals be aware of their unique strengths and weaknesses. If not love, compassion, tolerance and mutual understanding gets left behind at the prayer hall and real life remains unaffected.

It was, after all, self-awareness than enabled an Indian woman trained to conform to make the choice to sit upon a chair and be compassionate to her overworked knees.

Changing the Narrative

The dismantling moments of ‘change’ is perpetually knocking upon the doors of life. 

Rude, as this housekeeper is, the posted signs of ‘do not disturb’ or ‘please come later’, do not seem to deter her in the least. She comes in barging! And truth be told, be it good or bad, the change that she brings always unsettles what ‘is’.

I love my yoga instructor who is a truly gifted person. Practicing with her has remained therapeutic for my mind, body and soul.

Recently she called in sick and we had a substitute for her class.  Had I been aware, I would conveniently choose to not attend but I was already there and so I remained!

Surely enough I disliked everything that the substitute made us do. Constantly comparing it to the experience that I was accustomed to I rolled my eyes and bickered at every move.

Luckily daily meditation has bolstered my ability to be self-aware.

Our sense of self-awareness is what differentiates us from animals. We can, if we choose, become instantaneously aware of the instruments of thought, emotion or sensation that is guiding our actions in life.

 I smiled as I caught myself with my ‘resisting’ mind in her class. I noticed how my own desire to control the experience I was having, intervened with my ability to simply enjoy what was there.  The human mind is an extremely powerful tool. When given a free reign it can rob us of our life and our presence in it.

Just as soon as I noticed it, I was able to rearrange its constructs. My compassion for the new instructor increased and I became more accepting of her way of instruction. I must admit I even enjoyed the piece of poetry that she read to us in the end of the class.

I still love my original instructor and have a preference for her style of instruction. But recognizing the resistance that I had built towards any new experience enabled me to enjoy rather than simply endure the substitute’s class.

 I have to confess however, that it’s often not as easy.

We are creatures of habit, often preferring our miserable ways of living and being to adopting the changes that can benefit us.  The bigger changes of death, illness, changes in relationships and careers often leaves us stumped.

Its funny how quickly we formulate stories of who we are and how we ought to live. Years back upon taking my very first course in mindfulness based meditation I was surprised at the many baseless assumptions upon which I had built my life.

The simple truth is that the narrative is consistently changing for all of us. Even for those who pretend or claim otherwise. In my mind the only thing worthy of our attention is deliberately picking on those threads of our stories that promote our wellbeing.