What have you done for yourself today?

This morning I remembered to take my vitamins! It was not one of those random thoughts that bounce off of you in the bustle of a busy morning when you remind yourself to pack lemonade for lunch, respond to the e-mail about the fundraiser, let the dog out while you finish a cup of coffee without tasting a single sip! This was conscious! A moment taken to bring back attention to the woman who sometimes caring for everyone around her, forgets to care for herself!

I’m a hard-working human! I love our family! We are a caring people.

Popeye loves to chew on used socks, that’s his thing! Thing-one, keeps her room immaculate but is messy at the homework table. Thing-two, who is the budding artist has projects that are work-in-progress in several rooms, there are mason jars in the living room, construction paper on the breakfast table, a mobile hangar art in the closet and drying roses in the mud- room. The husband and myself are busy adults. If there are dishes piled in the sink, pending paperwork in the dining room, stacks of unsorted mail, a fridge tacked with to-do notes, its cause there are not enough hours in the day or the right moment has just not come.

I have this need to keep everyone ‘happy’! It’s not always a gift; it’s mostly a curse! Needless to say I take on extra chores. I pick up after the dog, I pick up after my kids, I remind them of projects to be done, to practice the flute, to eat their vegetables and clean behind their ears. I help my husband with his work. I am his support system, his joy, his nightmare, his love, his regret all rolled into one! It’s easy to forget about me!

Things had to change! Yesterday the dog had to settle for a smaller walk than usual.  One child was encouraged to do her own laundry while the other put things away and cleaned the family room. The husband understood that more work for me meant less time for us! And I had a huge learning in all of this as well!

I had to learn, what I can and what I cannot be for everyone! Today I ate breakfast sitting down at the table, tasted every sip of my coffee and reminded myself to take my vitamins. What have you done for yourself today?

Thing-one and Thing-two!

“Mom, she’s taken my foodie erasers and I want them back!” said thing -two. “Well she gave it to me, for helping her clean her room a month ago.” said thing- one. “Mom tell her!” urged thing-two, “No mom, you tell her!” directed thing-one.

As usual I stared outside the window at nothing in particular as I fixed their breakfast. I have apparently been caught talking to myself at times! In the meantime they continued.

“Well I’m not going to school unless she does not give me back my erasers.” said thing-two. “Well, I’m not going to school as she might take my erasers when I’m gone.” said thing-one!

I exploded, “What do you guys want me to do? Call the school and tell the administrator that the kids will not be in today on account of foodie-erasers!”

They took a whole minute to consider before they broke out into giggles. Soon they were laughing hysterically at their own silly selves. Just like that a story broke between the two, “The administrator will call the district supervisor and tell him about the foodie-erasers”, quipped thing-one. “The district supervisor will call and tell the state senator about the foodie-erasers”, said thing-two in between her hysteria. “The state senator will call the president and soon the whole country will know about the foodie erasers.,” concluded thing-two!

They got late for bus that morning and I had to drive them to school. On my way back home, I wondered at the absurdity of their quarrel, my own pathetic intervention, their happiness, my blood pressure, their laughter and my numbness.

That day I learnt my lesson! Now I simply back off when they argue! I leave the room, I wait for it to be over, I offer weapons so that they can get done killing each other quickly and smoothly and I wait in patience for the time they are in school so I can actually miss being with them.

I have made my own ground rules! I offer them food cause hungry people are irrational. I permit them pouting time and invariably they get bored and forget what they were angry about. I offer them a distraction that only works on rare occasions. In short I offer them anything but playing peacekeeper!

More often than not they are back together, thing-one and thing-two, cuddled before the television, chit chatting during homework time, giving the dog his bath, imitating us parents, making lists of mom-isms, exchanging outfits and jewelry and simply reveling in each other’s company!

‘It’s a sister-thing!” they explain as I turn up the music on my headphones and disappear into the safety of my soundproof room! Go figure!

Telos of Charlie!

Aristotle thought that everything has a 'telos' or a purpose that it is meant to achieve. Telos, was in his mind essential to a harmonious universe. He believed that the telos of humans was to achieve happiness!

Artists are people who are in tune with their 'telos'! They do what they do simply because they have to! How often do we step into a wing of an art museum that makes no sense to us whatsoever? The telos of that wing is to shock you out of your complacence! To force thought where stagnation is rewarded, to introduce questions where traditional acceptance prevails! Its a hard, poor-paying profession with very little possibility of a secure retirement, yet artists do what they do simply because they have to! It’s their telos! 

The magazine Charlie Hebdo was aware of its telos! The cartoonists who worked there were aware of their 'telos'! Now most people live without knowing their telos, they therefore resort to 'formulating' one! 

 Aristotle was once approached by two Athenian citizens, for the sake of convenience we shall call them  Charlie and Deimos. Charlie was convinced that happiness in humans, meant being content with the sum total of your life while Deimos was convinced that human happiness could be achieved with just one event. So they went to Aristotle seeking an answer to what is real and perpetual and what is incidental and transient. Aristotle observed that most humans wanted what Charlie suggested as possible but since they got frustrated they decided to pursue the path suggested by Deimos. So he encouraged the two of them to argue:

Charlie: "Since the telos of mankind is to achieve happiness it is important to cultivate virtues that will lead to happiness!"

Deimos: "Since cultivating virtues is a long, elaborate and life-consuming task, why not pursue a vice that will provide instant happiness!"

Charlie: "Well the practice of vice has its end goal as happiness but the pursuit of virtue is happiness itself. You can become a terrorist, kill people and then be happy or you can pursue compassion and understanding which makes you happy even in its pursuit. "

Deimos already tired of arguing, pulls out a gun, shoots Charlie and kills him. The guards around Aristotle surround Deimos and start piercing him with their swords. 

Aristotle steps beside the dying Deimos and asks him, "Did killing Charlie make you happy?" to which Deimos replies, with a yes! 

"How did it feel?" asks Aristotle, Deimos in his dying voice says, "It felt satisfying, it felt real, it felt strengthening and wonderful!"

Aristotle then asks Deimos, "Did you feel that way all of your life?" and Deimos responds, "No, I just felt that at the moment I killed Charlie!"

Aristotle says, "That's sad! Because Charlie felt that real, satisfying, wonderful strength all of his life, until the moment he was killed."

Deimos reflects on the telos of his life. He realizes that his telos was 'formulated' while that of Charlie was 'real'. 

As Deimos dies, Aristotle whispers in his ears, "Je Suis Charlie!"

What if I told you?

What if I told you?

I am creative, quiet, introverted, solitary, interesting, intelligent, kind, warm, caring, loyal, trustworthy, motherly and enlightened. I am also neurotic, quick tempered, moody, ruthless when angry, needy, annoying, judging, intolerant of fools and self absorbed. I think deep thoughts and visit places in my mind that most people wouldn't dare . I also have an unusual sense of humor that prevents me from taking myself too seriously.. I feel isolated in large groups and extremely vulnerable because I hurt easily. Most of all I am passionate human who lives practically with no skin!

There I've told you what I know! My cards are laid out flat upon the table for you to see and I remain enthusiastic about this game of life that I wish to pursue openly! 

Why am I telling you this?

Because I know! I know that you are good, kind, compassionate, caring, interesting, beautiful, bold, strong, intelligent, friendly and sometimes better than me. But I choose to tell you this because like me, you are vulnerable, you hurt easily, you are needy for love, you crave understanding and you desire to be known. You too, make promises that you break, lie occasionally, duck down to avoid me and open your arms when I'm in pain or hungry. 

Still unsure why I tell you this!

Well my friend,  I believe that when I set my cards down for you to see then I set not just myself but I also set you free! In your perfection you isolate me but in your vulnerability you draw me close and you set us both free. 

Art of Creation!

The phosphorescent waters on the quiet lake, stirred by lengthy wooden oars, sent ripples of violent radiance in long strokes along the sides of the roughly crafted wooden boat. The sound of water being stirred, the white foam that rose from the lake like a gush of laughter, the slew of green vegetation along the banks that ended in the horizon where the orange sun perched, all made me forget my plan!

The plan was to simply cross to the other side and capture the view, as best as I could with a drawing pad and a bunch of pastels. Instead I chose to row along, humming this tune that had entered me from nowhere, like a song that had sprung straight from the eye to the heart and lay resonating in my throat! The day marked for creation was spent like a vacation and at night a thin line of guilt lingered.

The next morning with resolve enhanced by guilt I resumed my abandoned cause with renewed fervor. The colors on my palette were appetizing and the promise of beauty seemed within arms reach and my hope was exuberant. But the strokes commanded by the one within stopped mid-way in seeming incompletion! I asked, "Is this it?" and the answer spoken back was, “This is all!"

The next day during the class tribunal where worthiness is ranked and handwork merited I stood feeling like a lamb among lions. My day’s work stood pale amongst those of skill filled masters and I endured their sympathetic acceptance with brutal introspection, until having encircled my self in criticism, several times, I let go and gave up control.

Since there was nothing else to do, no celebrations to attend or no commentary of commend, I went back to the glittering lake this time with the plan to simply row. The mountains on the banks stretched out far, the sky bore its usual magic, the calming waters simply glided by this insignificantly tiny rowboat and its speck of a host and I smiled!

Tonight the yearning was to play, to play with colors! I let-go of resolve and permitted my spirits to flow. We danced in the mixtures, we played with the shades, we smeared and struck the canvas in haste, some strokes were long, some were a stab and once in sheer joy we scraped the painting with a dash. After a while when the playing was through, I stood back and explored the work that was due! And I was in awe of my own creation!

The next day in class I handled the compliments with the tame of the subservient because the play of inspiration is not like the reliance of scientific exploration. So where in an ocean you may dive several times to bring to the surface the same gem or dime, I swim in the waters that reward me solely for the spirit with which I play!