I can write essays and weave poetry around the spontaneity
of childhood. I can do even better and preach the value of innocent open
mindedness. I even took a whole course on cultivating a beginners mind. And
yet, forgive me for becoming set in my ways!
As I climb each rung on the ladder of life, I find myself
cemented to my adopted values. Intentionally and without regret I have set
aside the romantic version of an ageless, childlike adult and replaced her with
a sleep valuing, routine nurturing, time-centric grown woman.
I wish I could tell you that I’m disappointed with myself!
But I’m not!
Suddenly, the expansive summer vacation with nothing to do,
the thrill of discovering myself in the world, the energy to party hop, to stand
in long lines and bustle through engaging crowds, the joy of meeting countless
people, the ability to ear-mark an activity for ‘later’, the beauty of
exploring the endless aisles of a new grocery store, they have all left me.
They have left, leaving me with a brand new set of choices
to make - what is worth my time, to whom do I give it, which movie, what
experience, which book, what person, who deserves my minutes.
This is in no way suggestive of a well-managed and flawless
life! Life by its very definition is unmanageable and control free. So, of
course the faucet will leak, the dishwasher will break down, an accident on the
road will delay you, snow will cancel school, a sprained ankle will keep you
from running and so on.
And yet in those splendid moments when life whispers her
waiver and permits some planning I desire to bring in my own preference.
So pardon me my failure to oblige, forgive me my failed
promises, absolve me of my guilt, clear my name, I request you. So that those
tulips can be planted, that novel can be written, that child of mine can
describe to me her dreams, that parent receive my care, that painting be painted,
that meal be cooked and that friend who has stayed despite me, receive with
devotion, every precious remaining moment.
