Matter of Faith

I don’t pray like I used to as a child anymore.

The God of my childhood was powerful and omnipotent. He hurled mountains and built pathways in fast flowing rivers. He loved generously and offered unlimited care to those who took his name. He punished with hellish wrath those who were evil, and since I was not, I was forever exempt from sorrow. As a child my prayers were offered face to face to such a magnificent being.

Growing up, I discovered that the black and white of good and evil blended into multiple shades of gray. God’s plans seemed less certain, and prayers offered with utmost sincerity were sometimes left unheard. This all-powerful almighty had turned indecisive and was sometimes reluctant.  

Slowly I slipped away. If he had no ears then I had no lips, if he had no heart then I had no adoration, if he had no understanding then I had no patience. I therefore denied him a place and made myself responsible for me. There was a subtle satisfaction in such rebellion. Where all others bowed down and worshipped my voice wouldn’t chime in. I alone drifted away from his care and now he would have to come back and get me if he so desired.

Even in my rebellion all I wanted was God’s attention.

Well, like they say there are no atheists is a foxhole, and there have been times when prayers have flowed from me to whichever God in whatever format would have them. Hopeless anguish did not cure me of the hope for such a benevolent being.

It was in the depths of my depression that I finally stopped struggling to find definitive answers. The moment I stopped struggling with my life I discovered faith. To me faith is acceptance.  It is wholeheartedly accepting the very life that one has been blessed with knowing fully that you will be all right. It’s a knowing that transcends reason.

I still don’t pray like I used to as a child. I still struggle to see purpose in war, poverty, disease and disasters.  I still battle with my many idiosyncrasies. I still fear the recklessness of human cruelty and excess all around the world.

But in those moments when my mind is still and there is quiet within me – my God returns faithfully back to me.