So much for non-attachment..

So much for non-attachment!

Maybe it is the tuft of grey that has snuck up around my temples, or the knee joints that start complaining after I climb the stairs for the fifth time, or more so it’s all about the annual check up and the doctor uttering the word ‘peri menopausal’.

Anyhow, the already inquisitive mind of mine has turned drastically towards Buddhist philosophy, in search of solace.

Be it the nuances of understanding the mind the way Kamalashila specifies, contemplating the middle-way masterminded by Nagarjuna or simply relinquishing conceptualization of any kind as suggested by Chandrakirti, these ancient Indian masters have me hooked to the profound wisdom of their words.

However, the skeptic in me sometimes makes me wonder. Is philosophizing the same as perhaps relaxing with a drink, smoking a bit of pot, watching late night comedies or cleaning compulsively – simply a way to relax the mind and keep it in the here and now than in the far and far away?

On Monday, as I absorbed a new text that I’ve started reading I felt my chest expand with such joy at the beauty of the explanations offered that my spirit was soaring all day. The casual e-mail, checking on the health of a dear friend who has been in and out of hospitals recently didn’t warrant much anxiety, as I was sure she’d respond that very day.

By Tuesday afternoon, when I still hadn’t heard a word from her, I’d become un-obviously anxious. I pretended to keep my calm, reassured myself that it was my monkey mind projecting the unlikely alternatives of death, unbearable grief and loss of unimaginable magnitude. I was even able to withdraw my mind from such nastiness and stay focused on what was planned for the day.

Finally when I did hear from her, late afternoon, I felt so relieved that I had to rest. It was the fatigue of unfelt anxiety that had sneaked into me to such an extent that though relieved that she was all right, I turned off my electronics, downed a glass of wine and took a short nap to celebrate or recoup, as you’d prefer to say.

So much for non-attachment!

I guess the question is not if its better to meditate, philosophize, down alcohol, walk in circles, clean, cook, talk, rake the yard, work out strenuously or simply quit the scene by getting high in order to relax the devil’s tool that is so hard to live with – the human mind.

But the real question is what is it that makes life worth the living that we put into it?

And the answer is always these handful of pain-in-the-ass relationships, that after an exhausting day make us turn on the kitchen lights once more to prepare a grilled cheese sandwich for the child who was too distracted to eat her dinner.

Every thing else is simply defense against our helplessness!

Who am I to judge? To each their own! Cheers!