On Writing!

I am reading a book on Buddhist philosophy, which emphasizes repeatedly upon selflessness. I am enjoying the book that I’m reading!

Recently I was asked if I was hesitant about promoting myself? I said “No, not if I believe in what I’m promoting!”

Yet an unexplored question sprang inside of me – was I being self-absorbed?

I enjoy writing as much as I enjoy painting as much as I enjoy cooking meals for those that I love, as much as I feel deep satisfaction when as an accountant I reconcile the balance -sheet!

 Expression is inevitable! Everything existing in nature has a way of expressing itself! It’s as essential as breathing! Yet when is much – too much?

When the question of my comfort with self-promotion was presented – I was uncomfortable! I belong to the generation when people simply did what they did, they did not do things because they desired attention on Facebook, Twitter or What’s App!

Yet I enjoy reading and sharing nuances of my own life on social media. I take great delight reading postings of friends and family and love looking at pictures in their moments of happiness and joy. I also share vignettes of my own life with a community where I feel cared for – with words, kind words in that!

So have I gravitated towards self-absorption without being aware of it?  Am I egotistic? Am I becoming one amongst those exhibitionists that I thoroughly dislike?

The answer is yes and no! A ‘small’ sense of self is good for family and community, but self-love is what leads to selflessness. Attachment is the nutrient that guarantees survival – like that between a mother and child. Yet even this seemingly divine love can dance between grasping and denial!

Ego is hard to discard! Even in harmless expression that seems natural one feels – fulfillment, discontent, joy or shame!

So I too will stumble often, as I try to embrace the middle path, the balance, the just enough, the right proportion of self–expression! Sometimes I may be too much, sometimes I may be too little but the intent is to aim for just right!

I cannot embrace humility nor can I deny the self at every moment in my life!

However, the only thing I will do is to embrace this kind woman inside of me who at times feels it necessary to walk through life without breaking a few eggshells! I wish to tell her that she’s al right! Living is walking on eggshells, at times breaking a few and at other times bouncing right off those pesky shells!

The words of Rainer Maria Rilke comes to mind, “I’m too small, yet not small enough to make each moment holy!”

Here’s to allowing ourselves our transgressions and simply living!