Whispers of the heart!

Sitting out under the ageless banyan, placidly staring with glazed eyes into the dry landscape of non-descript hills, low clouds, grazing cattle, short stubby tress, red soil, marked graves beside thatched roofs, rows of weather-beaten street vendors this old grandmother leaning against her uneven stick whispered softly, 'it is alive, it is all alive!” The curious child being dragged up the steep stairs of the ancient temple is instructed to ignore the crazy woman.

I stood silently behind her, taking in the sights that had taken her in, absorbing the surroundings that absorbed her, listening to what she was listening, until I was seeing what she saw, hearing what she heard, breathing in synchrony with this stranger to feel what she felt. My eyes laced with tears marking the sudden peace that enters the heart, when it realizes for the first time, the silk lattice like network that connects all of life, brushing it with the broad brush of aliveness. I finally got it! I got how my words, my actions, my choices, my descriptions, my strengths, my weaknesses affect the landscape around me!

And yet I struggled, epic struggles, with hard relationships. Like jagged rocks in the soft ocean sand, like icicle blades piercing soft bird nests I was surrounded by these life-interrupting bindings, humans with microscopic minds honed in on all my faults, I knew I didn't stand a chance. Not one chance to be as I am and be loved!  And in fate filled reciprocation I couldn't love either!

How was it possible, the same aliveness that filled our veins did nothing to smooth our hearts? I could not put the question behind me. Never hesitating, I set out on a pilgrimage of my own. One that would lead me to my self, one that would show me everything that I kept hidden in my folds, one that would open up the treasure chests that I never knew I possessed, one that was filled with fear cause ground was no longer ground and sky was no longer sky, one that was filled with spirit, an unrelenting one deeply determined to follow. I followed with blind-folded eyes, until I felt safe, safe to be who I am, safe to speak the thoughts that are mine, safe to live my life, safe to be me and safe to be a part in the whole.  

Initially, those books I bought - I read all of it and the hole persisted, those lectures - I heard them all and the hole grew, the pain - I drank it all and yet I drowned deeper until fatigue-filled, I fell asleep upon a line that said - the truth is to be discovered through the heart alone and it's the intellect that has to follow.  So I asked my heart, if everything is alive with the same aliveness why do I hate, why do I dislike, why am I intolerant, why??

When you least expect it, it happens, like the shared vision with the old woman by the banyan tree!  Wisdom spoke from the recesses of my own tired heart in whispers, 'do not judge the soul by the mind that it is attached with', she said and I understood. I slept deeper and more peacefully than ever. I woke up with a new question, should I continue to suffer like I always did? I heard back my reply in a question; 'do you want to?’ to which I readily replied a 'not'.

'Keep them in your heart but keep them from your life, wish them well yet surround yourself with love, want for them peace and happiness and you walk only where you can be you and never be swallowed!"