The Self-Portrait!

As the train buzzed through the tunnel, I stopped breathing momentarily! I had spent the previous night sitting up anxious about the train-ride! The anxiety had felt unconquerable!

 I planned and rehearsed within the limited space of my un-anxious mind, where I would park, which hand of mine would hold my bag and which hand would hold the exact fare, I memorized the steps involved in purchasing the ticket from the machine, I marked out the safest carriage to travel in, I decided to sit by the window, I would get off at the very last station and walk to art school! The amount of precision in my planning felt inadequate. There remained several what-if's?

What if the traffic was bad getting to the station? What if there was no parking available? What if the ticketing machine messed up? What if I got off at the wrong station? What if a tattooed dude with cigarette breath asked me for change? What if the doors closed on me just as I was stepping out? And several others…

The fact that I was a mother returning to school to study fine art after spending years caring for my children, the certainty that I would be the oldest student in class, the discomfort of being in a class with college age kids that I could have easily birthed, the leap of faith with which I was attempting my hand at something I had zero training for - these things were inconsequential! On the other hand, the train ride that would take me to school felt paralyzing! 

For those of us suffering with anxiety, this is common! The big things are relatively easy; it’s always the tiny mechanics of everyday living that gets to us!

Anyway, most didn't expect that I would survive school; in fact I didn't expect to survive school either! But I was overcome by desire, a desire so strong that all obstacles felt meager and beatable. 

My first class was drawing, I had never taken a class in drawing before, and I sucked! The professor was surprised, that I returned to class the next week! Even I don't know why I returned - I was simply hopeless! We were standing in the cast hall amidst sculptures that felt alien to me, David, Nike of Samothrace, Dying Slave, La Lagoon, bust of Socrates and several others that I did not know about! 

Sweat dripped down my back, my heart beat faster and my face was flush with shame and anxiety when I was asked if I had ever drawn before. I softly confessed that I had not. The professor did his best and gave me a few pointers. I felt humbled! The kids in my class were brilliant! They drew effortlessly! I took a deep breath and returned to my easel, with a piece of charcoal to draw with. 

Just like that, I cut out all the noise around me! I stopped looking at the work of others! I forgot myself as I felt and could only feel the burning desire to draw to the best of my ability. I was determined! '‘No, no, try again, want it, want this thing to work, make it happen, harder, work harder!', a voice from inside pushed me and I obeyed quietly! By the end of the class I was surprised! My drawing was not exact but it had improved! 

Soon, I would tackle one of the hardest drawings with architectural accuracy; my professor shook my hand as he whispered congratulations! 

The train ride got easier; I befriended several drivers and chatted with them casually! I loved my classes! I felt more alive that I ever did before! 

Today I painted a self-portrait! Who could have imagined?