Blowing bubbles

Every now and then, there are subtle shifts and turns. Without me being aware, a door gets closed, an expectation builds us, heartbreak gets hidden and a tiny judgment gets conclusive. Suddenly my world is my world no longer.

 I have been in the doldrums often enough and at my age I know, that when I readily fall into an abyss – there is no ground to be discovered. When a thought gets sticky and repetitive its time to blow it out like bubbles and then again certain opportunities are simply lost.

Summers are hard. The vast and expansive vacation – what should it translate into? These young children who laugh at a hand set, a tape recorder, a CD player – what should I expect from them that would be reasonable?

As if the space of generation does not set us apart already, our home is further entrenched with a cultural diabolical.  I suffer from ‘look at what you have’ syndrome - tennis courts, basketball courts, swimming pools, bikes, access to computers, access to summer camps and most of all a willing-to-help parent.  

My children suffer from, ‘leave me alone’ syndrome. And so I respect that.

Without me being fully aware, irritation was piling over complacent existence, anger was seething through the edges of messy rooms, disappointment was lurking at the sight of unhealthy food choices, frustration was mounting at the sight of opportunities missed out and today I exploded.

They retreated. I stood my ground. They drew in their boundaries tighter. I waited. They waited longer. I invoked parental rights. They insisted on teenage ways. I got tired. They had energy for more. I apologized. They accepted.

My world has shifted again without my knowing.

They are not bad children. They read, they write plays and enact them, they make comic strips on Popeye, they draw and paint, they sculpt, they take pictures, they bake, they fix meals, they give out hugs when requested, they are well behaved when taken out and they are conscientious humans.

Sadly sometimes all that I see is the willfulness of youth, the plate left back on the table, the wrapper stuck between sofa seats, the unused bikes, the empty pool, the patient tennis rackets and I just want to scream out.

Its time for me to blow my thoughts out like bubbles!